A girl I’ve known since I was 12 has been living on the streets in vancouver and shes been one of my best friends for fucking years and years and I’ve been like her older sister and she’s always been bigger than me. always. she’s been doing meth every damn day for three months and she’s just about 100 pounds.
it triggers me to shit, seeing her like that.
she told me she likes the way that the speed/meth makes her brain think in ways she’s never thought before, how she can draw, and write, and stay up and get things done and shes doing classes and she’s getting smarter that way and that she feels good while she’s high
it scares me to see how easy it was for her to latch onto it. please please please make her better so I don’t see myself falling down because my friends are what matter to me. when they are down, i am down. I can’t be down. my soulmate best friend is having her mom yell at her every morning she tries to feed her baby saying she’ll kick her and her baby out
and for her to be unhappy, I would be unhappy
everything in my life is ok but what really matters to me are my best friends and they are not okay.
so I’m not okay.
so I keep telling people I’m scared to stop traveling because it’s what saved me from my eating disorder.
but what happens when your safe haven is swarmed by dark clouds and scary thoughts and demeaning voices?
yes, travelling comes with those days that I dont get to eat much but a bagel and a small bag of chips, but when I’m out there on the road it’s not as bad? I think? But„ when my head is alone in those places that hurt me way back when, I get flustered.
I usually fill myself up.
I’m starting to say no thank you to food drops.
also, I find it incredibly hard to eat much at all in a day if I don’t smoke weed.
It’s been about two years since my last eating disordered habit.
It’s been longer than that since Ive seen my weight.
I’m curious again. I’m scared again, .
but I’m 21. I’m a big girl. Everything is supposed to be okay right? well fuck.
I don’t have patched clothes because I don’t have the attention span to sit there and patch and re patch and re patch again…
somehow, five pickles and some marble cheese, a juice box and ten grapes was enough to fill me.
If I don’t smoke weed in a day, it’s hard for me to eat
so this is pretty incredible
Vancouver island fucking blows for money man.
I only made 27$ in four hours, now if I were to sit and play my banjo for four hours in Kamloops let’s say, I’d have about 200$.
I dont even NEED to sit anywhere for that long because if I have 50$ it is more than enough.
at least I have JUST enough for the ferry and bus. headed to winnipeg tomorrow